It’s August 31st. Like the procrastinator that I am, I am posting my monthly post on this last day of the 31-day month of August. I can hear the sigh of relief, like a mighty wind, coming from my masses of readers.
Have I mentioned that I’m not perfect? It should go without mentioning. Imperfection is kinda one of those self-evident traits.
But let’s get specific.
First, let’s cut to the back story:
It’s 2008. I’m chatting on the phone with a friend. He describes that he’s experienced so much sudden, positive change in himself that, though he’d thought he’d been a Christian before, he wasn’t so sure anymore that he really had been until these recent events. He goes on to say, “What comes out of you shows what’s really in you. If what comes out of you is hatred, or bitterness, or uncontrollable anger - lashing out at people….that’s not the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That’s not love, that’s not joy, that’s not patience, that’s not kindness.”
(Backstory to the backstory: Jesus claimed He was one with God the Father. Jesus also said that whoever believes in Him would receive the Holy Spirit. Once the Holy Spirit sets up shop inside a person, He is continually transforming the inner being of that person.)
At that point in my life, I already know the backstory to the backstory. I’d already accepted Jesus and I’m thinking “I’m good”. Also, this guy is like a little brother to me, so I indulge his chattering and think patronizingly, “This is so great for him that he’s coming to a deeper understanding and transformation in his life.”
Ok, that’s the backstory.
Fast forward a few days.
It’s still 2008. I’m under tons of stress while studying in nursing school. I’m still living at my parent’s place at the time and sharing a washer/dryer with them and my siblings. I find out that my brother ruined a few new shirts of mine because he used the wrong settings. I say not nice things at high volumes. A few minutes later another brother experiences my wrath. A few minutes after that came the third incidence and the final straw:
My dad says something to me that is entirely innocuous.
I rip his head off.
(metaphorically)
I go on and on about how much stress I’m under and how people around me should behave differently.
I think my dad’s response was one of gentle calmness mixed with surprise.
“What comes out of you shows what’s really in you. If what comes out of you is hatred, or bitterness, or uncontrollable anger - lashing out at people….that’s not the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That’s not love, that’s not joy, that’s not patience, that’s not kindness.”
My friend’s words came to my mind unbidden. After three unrelated instances of uncontrollable anger, I went upstairs to my room and dissolved into a pile of tears. What washed over me is hard to describe. There was a profound awareness of what had spilled out of me so naturally. I was also profoundly aware that it was disgusting. I felt a deep sadness - almost like a lonely fear - that I was actually quite distant from this God that I had thought I had received. I felt powerless to change myself and at the same time very hopeful that the Holy Spirit would do the work for me. Basically, I repented in dust in ashes.
Maybe it’s necessary for me to clarify at this point that anger is not wrong in and of itself. My responses, however, were totally out of proportion to each of the three situations. My words were rude and completely self-centered. And the change that came over me that afternoon and in the coming months was one of deeper peace and patience.
My monthly stories this year have been mostly fun little “coincidences” that I like to call “God-incidences”. The physical healings my friends and I have experienced, the arranging of lives into exciting, storybook form, people having knowledge of things they couldn’t have known on their own, the wishes and prayers granted miraculously - those are all great, and I’m happy to have witnessed so many little delightful stories. But all of those changes to the things around me are so small in comparison to the meaningful changes that happen within me and within the lives of people I know.
The year after my outbursts (and Holy Spirit’s transformation of me in response), my grandfather passed away. At his funeral someone shared of a commitment my grandfather had made as a young man to not be given to uncontrollable rage. That was my first time to hear of it. I didn’t know that I had followed in his steps at about the same age that he did. My grandfather was deeply committed to following Christ, as was his father before him and as has been my own father after him. I’ve not witnessed a fear-based religion of legalism in them. The continually transforming power of the Holy Spirit is much more personal than that.
He is love.
He is joy.
He is peace.
He is patience.
He is kindness.
He is goodness.
He is faithfulness.
He is gentleness.
He is self-control.
People who do not know Christ: Allow me to introduce you. This list describes Him well.
People who claim to have accepted Christ: does this list describe what naturally comes out of you? If not, I won’t doubt that you have a relationship with Him, but I have no reservations in saying that you are missing out if there are areas of your life that aren’t surrendered to Him on a mental, emotional, and willful level. Fear, disgust, and sadness have their place when directed at corruption.
Repentance is your friend.
Just speaking from imperfect experience.
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