Choosing Love Over Marriage

Things to remind my commitment-phobic self:

     Families are amazing. That a group of such drastically different personalities and strengths and weaknesses can love and accept and enjoy each other for who they are is remarkable - so individual with different goals and desires yet so locked in and committed to the whole.

Of course my appreciation is built around my own experience. Seven different and super imperfect people, plus two more blended in by marriage and 4 adorable spawns of one of those marriages, all loving and enjoying each other and supporting each other's dreams and not giving up on each other or wanting anything less than what is best for each individual or marriage or smaller family within the family.

It's kinda weird.

     And I realized another weird thing. This started because a couple people made a decision - not a decision to be arbitrarily stuck in some legalistic marriage contract - but a decision to stay in love. It's been flowers and gifts and dates and adventures and long kisses at the end of the work day and lots of communicating, intimacy, personal growth and change, and asking and granting forgiveness.

     Again, talking to myself, that any two people would sacrifice their own freedom and desires in order to be tied down to another human being for the rest of their life is a special brand of crazy.

      I may be a Christian but I'm also a hedonist. I really excel at doing whatever I want whenever I want. The thought of giving that up to someone else who will grow old and who will at times be unattractive to me and who will probably bore me at some point eventually is just a little baffling.

     I'm not saying I don't want marriage. Like I've already said, look at the amazing gift of family that comes of it. Look at its enormous flexibility to weather any storm or change life brings. Look at its acceptance and growth and complex dynamics all covered in love. Whether it's between the two or there are children as well, the unconditional constancy and vitality I've witnessed in these relationships is astounding.

But what I am recognizing is that both marriage and family are really bizarre little miracles.

     And I guess I'm saying I'm only willing to go for it if we're on the same page to make that decision to stay in love forever - with the flowers and the gifts and the dates and the adventures and the big, long kisses at the end of the work day and lots of communicating, intimacy, personal growth and change, and asking and granting forgiveness. And that we both do what we can to create that dynamic, flexible, weird group of diverse individuals that weathers any difficulty and knows each other inside and out and loves each other all the more for all of it.

     If it's not that then I'm really happy enough with what I already have and I don't really want to give it up for something less.

There Is No Fear In Love

     So sometimes I put my heart and soul into crafting a post on here. And sometimes I just want to share some basic information with out of town loved ones. That's what this post is today.

     I had a sense I'd be holding out for awhile for the right job. But if someone had told me back when I made the decision to pull out of school that it would be 2 months of no school and no work I would have probably cried anticipating the boredom.

     But life has been anything but boring.

     I injured my knee running at the end of September. I thought it was just an overuse injury that needed rest but after a few weeks of limping and pain medication and eventually crutches I figured it wasn't getting any better. As painful as it is for me to spend money on something ridiculous like a knee injury I caved and bought insurance and saw a doctor.

     In the middle of this I was offered a job at CHOP. It was a desk job addressing concerns of patients/patient families by phone, processing referrals, working with insurance companies, etc. and it was with a really great team of individuals. My heart was towards another job I'd interviewed for but I knew that if the knee was bad enough for surgery a desk job would be wise.  However I didn't know for sure that I would need surgery. If there's one thing I've learned lately in my walk with God it is to not make any decisions based on fear. So I asked for a week to think about it (a totally unrealistic amount of time to expect CHOP to hold on to a job for me) and I touched base with the dream job. After a few days it was settled. I accepted the dream job at Nurse-Family Partnership*.

     My appointment with the doctor came. He suspected a cartilage injury or meniscus tear and ordered an MRI. Either diagnosis often means surgery. I cringed at the possibility of 12wks of recovery time that might keep me from working.

     Some honestly expressed sadness and nighttime tears definitely followed this. But no fear. Or at least not for long. Because regardless of the outcome God has always loved me. Always. And there is no fear in love. I wish I could describe the overwhelming sense of His love and presence with me through all of this.

     I knew these things:
     1. I'm away from every person in my life that is most dear to me.
     2. Not only do I not have a job and income, I might be out of work for awhile because of this injury. So I'm poor and in debt now with potential to get poorer and more in debt.
     3. I might not have any money by the end of this 12wks and will need to consider moving back to Oklahoma and living off of relatives.
     4. God will take care of me. He may not give me what I want, when I want it, and the way I want it -- but He will give me what I need.

     Being the last minute planner and ever self-relier that I can be sometimes, on the Wednesday morning of my MRI I realized it would be pretty difficult to hobble the distance I would need to in order to get from parking in overcrowded downtown to the location of the clinic. I emailed my life group from church and within minutes the co-leader had responded he was nearby that morning and would give me a ride. Even in morning traffic and with these last minute arrangements I was actually a little early to my 9am MRI. Another friend from church, who happens to live a few streets over from me, gave me a ride home from the MRI.

     The appointment to review results was that Friday. Two other friends from church gave me a ride to that appointment and stayed with me for the appointment for support. We were prepared to hear which diagnosis would be mine and how to prepare for the next step of surgery.

     A new diagnosis came out of this visit though.  The MRI indicated patellofemoral pain syndrome and the doctor prescribed 12 weeks of therapy. Therapy! No surgery! About twenty questions I had prepared suddenly became irrelevant and I couldn't stop smiling :)

     Since then I've had my first therapy visit and they explained that cartilage damage hasn't necessarily been ruled out by the MRI. However, therapy is still the best plan right now. As with my previous experience with physical therapy for issues with running, I can tell I'm going to enjoy the people working with me. So Thank You Jesus for injuries that let me spend an hour talking to new friends 3 days a week! 

     I would love prayers that my knee makes a full recovery. Honestly, I don't mind never running again. I like it a lot but it's not worth losing my ability to walk over. I would love to be able to dance again soon. But mostly I am so grateful that I'll still be able to work. What a gift it is to be able to have a job doing something I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy and to get paid for it!

     I think it's interesting that in the 3 week window of time that I was back in Oklahoma for a visit in August, one of the men at my home church of Bridgeway asked me to join him in praying over a woman's knees. She'd been having pain with walking for years. We prayed over them and tears came to her eyes as she tested them out and discovered the pain was gone. That's one of many stories I've witnessed of healing, but I don't think I've ever been part of seeing knees healed specifically. A month later this knee thing happens to me and I know God will heal me. He will heal me quickly, or through 12 wks of therapy, or by exchange of this body for my new one :)
   
     So that's the latest. Well that and our nation is headed for an apocalypse depending on who you listen to. No big deal.

Grace and peace to you all!

*Home visiting service to provide nursing care to pregnant women and to continue to follow their care and the care of their child to age 2. More information can be found here: https://www.nurseledcare.org/programs/philly-nfp.html
   

Good news updates!

1. Multiple job offers = a blessing and a curse to this one who sometimes agonizes too much over making the best decision

2. For the first time since high school I submitted something I've written for publication and just heard back that my articles will be published in December and January (Its a small webzine. Please don't congratulate me. Unless it's simply to congratulate me for writing at all. That's my new goal: just to write a little each day for my own enjoyment, not for an audience)

3. Accepted a job offer to what might be a dream job. I start Nov 14th. More on that in a future post.

4. Some hard things have happened over the past month too. I will share more on that in a future post as well. For now I am so grateful for so many loving and supportive people in my life here in Philadelphia. It feels like nothing short of a miracle how many and how loving and how quickly they have surrounded me.

Much love to any sweet soul reading this. I hope all your dreams come true  <3

Kubo and the Two Strings

Fantastic movie. The incredible attention to detail in this film allowed for a mesmerizing immersion into the world of stop motion animation - the perfect backdrop for a deliberate and unhurried unfolding of the main character’s story. And truly magical (gets a little weird at the end though - wouldn't necessarily recommend for kids). I went to see this during it's opening week in August.

Before I found myself immersed though - I think it was sometime during the previews - I sensed God nudging me to pay extra attention. He seemed to be putting me on alert to catch a nugget of truth He had for me in this movie. So I leaned in closer and was probably even more immersed than I otherwise would have been.

I don’t recommend building your entire relationship with God on films, music, art, nature or personal “senses” of Him speaking. But outside of the historically reliable and time-tested, transformative truth of Scripture, I’ve found that God will also use just about any means possible to reach us. These more subjective means of hearing God should always be interpreted in light of God’s special revelation of Holy Scripture. It keeps in check what could be hurtful, crazy, or just plain incorrect. So I would recommend listening for God always in everything, but what a shedding of light Scripture brings to all things! Knowing it - really truly knowing it and wrestling with all its paradoxes - is like opening a big, wide door to a dark room and letting daylight stream in and make sense of everything in the room that before you could only bump into and make sense of by feeling.

So there I am in a dark theater. Mesmerized, immersed, and leaning in close to listen.

The movie itself is about a storyteller and his story. He goes from being the storyteller to being the center of the story. The boy on an adventure. The main character on a quest.

At one point a main character says to another, “You are my quest.”

Fireworks.

Maybe I should explain what happened the week before I found myself here. A group of friends had been praying for me. One of the friends saw a treasure map and got the word “quest” for me. He said I was on this quest that seemed kinda crazy to people around me, that it didn’t make a lot of sense to others. Nevertheless I was on this journey on this “quest” with God.

You are my quest

I don’t watch movies very often. And I don’t often hear God telling me to pay attention during them. I find myself at this movie, not knowing much about it, essentially there because my brother wants me to see it. Then before the movie starts I hear God telling me to listen to this one. I'd already tucked away "quest" in my heart from the prayer the week before but I don't know what's coming in this movie. It turns out the movie is about a quest. Then “You are my quest” is spoken and I sense God was just using it to confirm further what my friends had already prayed for me. Here's how the prayer and quote have come to be unpacked for me over the last couple months:

I’m not simply on an adventure with God. He is the adventure. Though there are thrills, and I’ve been a thrill seeker, I am no longer thrill seeking. Though there is romance and mystery those are no longer the goals either.  Though there are friends and family, the most wonderful friends and family and the most frequent cause of my heart aching these days, they are not my source of fulfillment.

I wish I could share what amazingly wonderful, beautiful things I’ve said no to in order to get to this place.  NOT to build myself up in any way. Not at all. But if I could only express just how much God is worth all those other things. And even worth the people - oh my heart! - even the people who may never fully understand how incredibly dear to me they are.

Yet He is worth it all. He really, truly is. I hope against all hope that someone who doesn’t know Him, really know Him, is reading these words and can experience even a taste of how good, how sweet, how adventurous and wondrous and completely fulfilling life with Christ is. Maybe enough of a taste to seek God as revealed in Christ - the fulfillment of promises made in Hebrew scriptures centuries before He appeared. Not that I want anyone to seek out religion, but to seek truth, testing everything....

I’m still in the middle of this journey so I say this with a level of timidness - but I want to say with confidence - that I could go anywhere and do anything because with God as my adventure and with Him as my completely satisfying love, nothing is too dirty or too scary. Nothing is too boring or too average. Nothing is too good for me or too far beneath me. Nothing is too important or too small. I could be in Philadelphia or I could be in Oklahoma. I am so over believing that the grass is greener anywhere other than where I am. Right now I’m still confident that God has led me here to Philadelphia. Maybe I’ll be in Oklahoma or China or Syria tomorrow. But today I am here so today here is perfect. Today is an amazing gift. Today I say to Him “You are my quest”. And I say to anyone else - He is worth the search. He is worth the quest.

All things

I feel like I'm in a choose-your-own-adventure book and I get to a page where I'm sure I've chosen the wrong adventure, but then I turn the page and.......... it gets even better. I'm excited to fill everyone in soon. Prayers for discernment/wisdom appreciated and for genuine joy regardless of the outcome. I still don't have a job yet.

This is not a simplistic, shallow promise:

~And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose ~

So don't name it and claim it and expect material blessings or temporary happiness to be your reward.

But it is a true promise (feel free to check out what it really means in the article). He's proven it a hundred times over to me.

https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/all-things-for-good-part-3

Girl Interrupted

When you look back on the narrative of your life who (or what) is writing it?

I’m for sure not writing mine completely on my own - there are too many things I can’t control. I am neither the master of my fate nor the captain of my soul. Feel free to believe that you are in total control of your story. I don’t really want to argue about it today.

Today I want to confess that I sometimes let ambition and fear write my story. Like when I feel compelled to meet certain goals because failure is not an option. Like when I care more about other people and their opinion than about truth.

I am pulling out of the program at Penn.

I like to do hard things. There’s something fulfilling about persevering through something hard to come out on the other side a stronger person. Believe me when I say that stopping in the middle of all that is interesting and challenging here at Penn is not something I take lightly. I also don’t take lightly that I have colleagues who graciously gave of their time and effort in the application process to get me here, or classmates that I’ve linked arms with and now I’m jumping ship. I have so much gratitude for each person.

I am, however, constantly reassessing if my next steps are actually taking me closer to my life goals and desires. Sometimes in the process I learn new things about myself and what those desires are. Until last week I was certain I was supposed to be at Penn and was continuing to work at school with all my heart. Then what I learned about myself and the outcome of this degree informed my decision to stop pursuing it. So after the usual prayer and overthinking things, I let go.

As much as I love climbing mountains, it’s clear to me that getting another degree is not my next mountain to climb. At the end of this degree I will have a job. And a job is also something I can have now.

I don’t regret anything.

I don’t regret starting the program. I have found friendships that I can’t imagine not having. And I hope to keep them <3  I don’t regret moving here. My plan was first to move here and then I chose a school in the area, not the other way around - so the job searching has begun :)

It’s maybe a little embarrassing to start something and not finish. Still, I figure if I make public announcements celebrating exciting changes I should be honest when things change again and don’t look so perfect. I’d also rather invite you into the story right now, when I don’t have a job yet and things are very much in the middle of the story instead of waiting until I have a nice bow to tie on this.

Just know to not be disappointed for me. I’m getting to walk out one of my many dreams right now, because I have an indulgent Father who says things like, “It is for freedom I have set you free” and “I have come that they might have life AND HAVE IT TO THE FULL”

I’m curious -

What are you hungry for?

What are you chasing?

There is a God who knows you, who ‘formed the spirit of man within him’. I find to really know the me that is always changing and growing I must go to the One who carefully crafted me. I find He really knows how to fill my hunger and then lead me on another adventure where He satisfies my hopes and dreams all over again. He knows how to make me happy more than I know how to make me happy. Throughout the twists and turns to my plotline, the Author of this story never disappoints. He never leaves me empty.

And gracious if I don’t hope that for the entire world! My friend, I hope the deepest desires of your heart are truly filled. I hope you are filled to overflowing.

Thanks for peeking in on my story as it stands right now.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty good at predicting plots and not only did I not see all of this coming very well, I don’t really know what will happen next. But I am full and I am satisfied and I’m content to raise my glass to the Author.

“who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s”

Dark nights and Promises

                I'm writing this as my own reminder. Maybe some day I'll share it more publicly. Today I write it for me.

          About four years ago the word "gift" kept coming up in my life. With some variation -"gift", "God's gift", "gift from God"- it consistently presented itself through people, through spoken or written word, or through a series of "coincidental" events. My attention was first drawn to it through two of the same gifts brought to my home in one afternoon. I think God often uses repetition or multiples of the same thing to get a message across. I sensed God say, "Pay attention. I have gifts for you."

          Fast forward one year.

          I had continued thinking on this gift thing as it appeared in my day to day life. I had had a full and interesting spring, summer, fall. One night - and it was literally an over the night change - hopes were disappointed and doubt began to weave its torturous web.

          It wasn't even so much the specific let downs that were depressing, it was what they reminded me of. They reminded me that I'd hoped before, been disappointed before, felt this pain before, and wondered if it would always be this way.

          I hardly ever have any trouble sleeping. Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow I drift to sleep. Once asleep I stay asleep until morning. I've been grateful for this. I know it's not everyone's experience.

          This night was different though. I tossed and turned. I cried. I cried out to God.

          "I don't understand. Do you even see me? Do you really care? How does this keep happening and will these desires ever stop being painful?"

          "Do you know what I want? Do you care about these desires? Do you even see me?" - like a broken record - "Do you know me? Do you see me?"

          It was a long night and at the same time I was still surprised morning came so soon. I was so preoccupied with my questions - with trying to make sense of things, and having no progress - that it seemed as if no time could have really passed.

          But there it was. The first grayish-white, cool sensations of light creeping into my bedroom through the curtains and slowly becoming wider and warmer and golden.

          I'm a communicator. I could read, or talk, or listen, or write every moment of every day if it were feasible. Communicating is the last thing I do before going to bed and often the first thing I do when I wake up. Since I'd already been talking to and trying to listen to God all night and was getting precious little for my effort, I opened my email.

          This is what I found*:









          Gifts.

          There it was again.

          I guess if God was trying to answer my questions those answers would be,

          Yes, I see you.

          Yes, I care.

         Yes, I "know the good desires of your heart" because I put them there.

          I see. I know. I see. I know.

          About a month later I was out of town and ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile who also couldn't have known what I was going through. She asked if she could pray for me and the words in her prayer were so similar to Tony's above they might as well have come from the same email.
More repetition. More God trying to get my attention. More telling me that what I want isn't bad, that I don't have to resent it. I don't need to pretend it doesn't exist. More promises that God has good for me.

          I need this reminder fresh today. I needed to write this, needed to reflect on this.

          I have good in my life. Much that is good. Actually there's not much of anything in my life to not be deeply grateful for.

          At the same time there's more ahead that I am hoping for. So much more.

God sees. He knows. He sees. He knows.


*I think it's important to know that no one - least of all Tony - knew what kind of night I'd just had. The night of house church he's referring to in the email was a night I shared routine life updates with my small group. I was not sad then in the least and was actually anticipating some specifically good things coming my way at that time. Disappointments came after that house church night.