About six years ago the word "gift" kept coming up in my life. With some variation -"gift", "God's gift", "gift from God"- it consistently presented itself through people, through spoken or written word, or through a series of "coincidental" events. My attention was first drawn to it through two of the same gifts brought to my home within the same afternoon. I think God often uses repetition or multiples of the same thing to get a message across. I sensed God say, "Pay attention. I have gifts for you."
I continued thinking on this gift thing as it appeared in my day to day life. I had a full and interesting spring, summer, fall. So now it had been a year of multiple repetitions of "gift" and one night - and it was literally an over the night change - some personal hopes of mine were disappointed and doubt began to weave its torturous web.
It wasn't even so much the specific let downs that were depressing, it was what they reminded me of. They reminded me that I'd hoped before, been disappointed before, felt this pain before, and wondered if it would always be this way. (Isn't that just so human? When we enter into a hard or disappointing season it feels like it will always be this way.)
I hardly ever have any trouble sleeping. I'm grateful for this. I know it's not everyone's experience. This night was different though. I tossed and turned. I heaved those chest-aching sobs, the kind that - for me at least - feel a little like what I'd imagine drowning would. There was anger and broken-heartedness, confusion and frustration verging on despair.
And I cried out to God continually:
And I cried out to God continually:
"I don't understand. Do you even see me? Do you really care? How does this keep happening and will these desires ever stop being painful?"
"Do you know what I want?"
"Do you care about what I want?"
"Do you even see me?"
Like a broken record - "Do you know me? Do you see me?"
It was a long night and at the same time I was still surprised morning came so soon. I was so preoccupied with my questions - with trying to make sense of things, and having no progress - that it seemed as if no time had really passed.
But morning came. The first grayish-white, cool sensations of light creeping into my bedroom through the window and gradually becoming wider and warmer and golden.
I'm a communicator. I could read, or talk, or listen, or write every moment of every day if it were feasible. Communicating is the last thing I do before going to bed and often the first thing I do when I wake up. Since I'd already been talking to and trying to listen to God all night and was getting (in my self-absorbed opinion) precious little for my efforts, I opened my email.
This is what I found*:
Gifts.
There it was again.
I guess if God was trying to answer the questions I'd been asking all night it would be:
Yes, I see you.
Yes, I care.
Yes, I "know the good desires of your heart" because I put them there.
I see. I know. I see. I know.
About a month later I was out of town and ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while who also couldn't have known what I was going through. She asked if she could pray for me and the words in her prayer were so similar to Tony's words above.
More repetition. More of God seemingly trying to get my attention. More telling me that what I want isn't bad, that I don't have to resent it. I don't need to pretend it doesn't exist. And more promises that God has good for me.
I can always use this reminder. That was 6 years ago, and here in Philadelphia over the last 2 years there's been a new set of pain and tears. I think I've cried more in these last 2 years than the previous 29 combined. Being away from family and friends is hard. Losing dance and running for a season was hard. Death in the family, multiple car accidents, having a front row seat to the often overwhelming burdens of single moms - these things are hard. My personal disappointments and unanswered prayers - those are hard too. But I haven't reached those same questions again of "God, do You know me?" and "Do You care?" because He answered already. In many, many ways before that email but in a special way through this night. When I remember that awful night and that beautiful morning and that timely email, I just can't bring myself to despair the same way again.
I have good in my life. Much that is good. Actually there's not much in my life to not be deeply grateful for.
At the same time there's more ahead that I am hoping for. So much more.
God sees. He knows. He sees. He knows.
*I think it's important to know that no one - least of all Tony - knew what kind of night I'd just had right before this email. The night of house church he's referring to in the email was a night I shared routine life updates with my small group. I was not sad then in the least and was actually anticipating some specifically good things coming my way at that time. Disappointments came afterwards.
