When you look back on the narrative of your life who (or what) is writing it?
I’m for sure not writing mine completely on my own - there are too many things I can’t control. I am neither the master of my fate nor the captain of my soul. Feel free to believe that you are in total control of your story. I don’t really want to argue about it today.
Today I want to confess that I sometimes let ambition and fear write my story. Like when I feel compelled to meet certain goals because failure is not an option. Like when I care more about other people and their opinion than about truth.
I am pulling out of the program at Penn.
I like to do hard things. There’s something fulfilling about persevering through something hard to come out on the other side a stronger person. Believe me when I say that stopping in the middle of all that is interesting and challenging here at Penn is not something I take lightly. I also don’t take lightly that I have colleagues who graciously gave of their time and effort in the application process to get me here, or classmates that I’ve linked arms with and now I’m jumping ship. I have so much gratitude for each person.
I am, however, constantly reassessing if my next steps are actually taking me closer to my life goals and desires. Sometimes in the process I learn new things about myself and what those desires are. Until last week I was certain I was supposed to be at Penn and was continuing to work at school with all my heart. Then what I learned about myself and the outcome of this degree informed my decision to stop pursuing it. So after the usual prayer and overthinking things, I let go.
As much as I love climbing mountains, it’s clear to me that getting another degree is not my next mountain to climb. At the end of this degree I will have a job. And a job is also something I can have now.
I don’t regret anything.
I don’t regret starting the program. I have found friendships that I can’t imagine not having. And I hope to keep them <3 I don’t regret moving here. My plan was first to move here and then I chose a school in the area, not the other way around - so the job searching has begun :)
It’s maybe a little embarrassing to start something and not finish. Still, I figure if I make public announcements celebrating exciting changes I should be honest when things change again and don’t look so perfect. I’d also rather invite you into the story right now, when I don’t have a job yet and things are very much in the middle of the story instead of waiting until I have a nice bow to tie on this.
Just know to not be disappointed for me. I’m getting to walk out one of my many dreams right now, because I have an indulgent Father who says things like, “It is for freedom I have set you free” and “I have come that they might have life AND HAVE IT TO THE FULL”
I’m curious -
What are you hungry for?
What are you chasing?
There is a God who knows you, who ‘formed the spirit of man within him’. I find to really know the me that is always changing and growing I must go to the One who carefully crafted me. I find He really knows how to fill my hunger and then lead me on another adventure where He satisfies my hopes and dreams all over again. He knows how to make me happy more than I know how to make me happy. Throughout the twists and turns to my plotline, the Author of this story never disappoints. He never leaves me empty.
And gracious if I don’t hope that for the entire world! My friend, I hope the deepest desires of your heart are truly filled. I hope you are filled to overflowing.
Thanks for peeking in on my story as it stands right now.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty good at predicting plots and not only did I not see all of this coming very well, I don’t really know what will happen next. But I am full and I am satisfied and I’m content to raise my glass to the Author.
“who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s”
