I'm writing this as my own reminder. Maybe some day I'll share it more publicly. Today I write it for me.
About four years ago the word "gift" kept coming up in my life. With some variation -"gift", "God's gift", "gift from God"- it consistently presented itself through people, through spoken or written word, or through a series of "coincidental" events. My attention was first drawn to it through two of the same gifts brought to my home in one afternoon. I think God often uses repetition or multiples of the same thing to get a message across. I sensed God say, "Pay attention. I have gifts for you."
Fast forward one year.
I had continued thinking on this gift thing as it appeared in my day to day life. I had had a full and interesting spring, summer, fall. One night - and it was literally an over the night change - hopes were disappointed and doubt began to weave its torturous web.
It wasn't even so much the specific let downs that were depressing, it was what they reminded me of. They reminded me that I'd hoped before, been disappointed before, felt this pain before, and wondered if it would always be this way.
I hardly ever have any trouble sleeping. Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow I drift to sleep. Once asleep I stay asleep until morning. I've been grateful for this. I know it's not everyone's experience.
This night was different though. I tossed and turned. I cried. I cried out to God.
"I don't understand. Do you even see me? Do you really care? How does this keep happening and will these desires ever stop being painful?"
"Do you know what I want? Do you care about these desires? Do you even see me?" - like a broken record - "Do you know me? Do you see me?"
It was a long night and at the same time I was still surprised morning came so soon. I was so preoccupied with my questions - with trying to make sense of things, and having no progress - that it seemed as if no time could have really passed.
But there it was. The first grayish-white, cool sensations of light creeping into my bedroom through the curtains and slowly becoming wider and warmer and golden.
I'm a communicator. I could read, or talk, or listen, or write every moment of every day if it were feasible. Communicating is the last thing I do before going to bed and often the first thing I do when I wake up. Since I'd already been talking to and trying to listen to God all night and was getting precious little for my effort, I opened my email.
This is what I found*:
Gifts.
There it was again.
I guess if God was trying to answer my questions those answers would be,
Yes, I see you.
Yes, I care.
Yes, I "know the good desires of your heart" because I put them there.
I see. I know. I see. I know.
About a month later I was out of town and ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile who also couldn't have known what I was going through. She asked if she could pray for me and the words in her prayer were so similar to Tony's above they might as well have come from the same email.
More repetition. More God trying to get my attention. More telling me that what I want isn't bad, that I don't have to resent it. I don't need to pretend it doesn't exist. More promises that God has good for me.
I need this reminder fresh today. I needed to write this, needed to reflect on this.
I have good in my life. Much that is good. Actually there's not much of anything in my life to not be deeply grateful for.
At the same time there's more ahead that I am hoping for. So much more.
God sees. He knows. He sees. He knows.
*I think it's important to know that no one - least of all Tony - knew what kind of night I'd just had. The night of house church he's referring to in the email was a night I shared routine life updates with my small group. I was not sad then in the least and was actually anticipating some specifically good things coming my way at that time. Disappointments came after that house church night.
About four years ago the word "gift" kept coming up in my life. With some variation -"gift", "God's gift", "gift from God"- it consistently presented itself through people, through spoken or written word, or through a series of "coincidental" events. My attention was first drawn to it through two of the same gifts brought to my home in one afternoon. I think God often uses repetition or multiples of the same thing to get a message across. I sensed God say, "Pay attention. I have gifts for you."
Fast forward one year.
I had continued thinking on this gift thing as it appeared in my day to day life. I had had a full and interesting spring, summer, fall. One night - and it was literally an over the night change - hopes were disappointed and doubt began to weave its torturous web.
It wasn't even so much the specific let downs that were depressing, it was what they reminded me of. They reminded me that I'd hoped before, been disappointed before, felt this pain before, and wondered if it would always be this way.
I hardly ever have any trouble sleeping. Within minutes of my head hitting the pillow I drift to sleep. Once asleep I stay asleep until morning. I've been grateful for this. I know it's not everyone's experience.
This night was different though. I tossed and turned. I cried. I cried out to God.
"I don't understand. Do you even see me? Do you really care? How does this keep happening and will these desires ever stop being painful?"
"Do you know what I want? Do you care about these desires? Do you even see me?" - like a broken record - "Do you know me? Do you see me?"
It was a long night and at the same time I was still surprised morning came so soon. I was so preoccupied with my questions - with trying to make sense of things, and having no progress - that it seemed as if no time could have really passed.
But there it was. The first grayish-white, cool sensations of light creeping into my bedroom through the curtains and slowly becoming wider and warmer and golden.
I'm a communicator. I could read, or talk, or listen, or write every moment of every day if it were feasible. Communicating is the last thing I do before going to bed and often the first thing I do when I wake up. Since I'd already been talking to and trying to listen to God all night and was getting precious little for my effort, I opened my email.
This is what I found*:
Gifts.
There it was again.
I guess if God was trying to answer my questions those answers would be,
Yes, I see you.
Yes, I care.
Yes, I "know the good desires of your heart" because I put them there.
I see. I know. I see. I know.
About a month later I was out of town and ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile who also couldn't have known what I was going through. She asked if she could pray for me and the words in her prayer were so similar to Tony's above they might as well have come from the same email.
More repetition. More God trying to get my attention. More telling me that what I want isn't bad, that I don't have to resent it. I don't need to pretend it doesn't exist. More promises that God has good for me.
I need this reminder fresh today. I needed to write this, needed to reflect on this.
I have good in my life. Much that is good. Actually there's not much of anything in my life to not be deeply grateful for.
At the same time there's more ahead that I am hoping for. So much more.
God sees. He knows. He sees. He knows.
*I think it's important to know that no one - least of all Tony - knew what kind of night I'd just had. The night of house church he's referring to in the email was a night I shared routine life updates with my small group. I was not sad then in the least and was actually anticipating some specifically good things coming my way at that time. Disappointments came after that house church night.
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