She knew something even my parents didn't...

     As I stepped out of the shower, I had one simple thought come to mind. I remember it as clearly as I remember my view when the thought came.

     My view was of the low wall of the shower base I was stepping over as I reached for a towel. My thought was - "I want my hair to be braided. I'll ask Andrea to braid my hair."

     I was 10 years old, and I don't really have much memory of other parts of that night other than my sister, Andrea, sitting on a couch behind me as I sat in front of her and she braided my hair. My parents had left earlier that evening for a prayer group. I think my little brothers were in the same room as my sister and I were. I'm pretty sure the TV was on.

     The next morning I excitedly undid the braid to see how my typically stick-straight hair would look. It was like a magic trick. The overnight change of a left-in hair style was about as "extreme makeover" as it gets for 10 year olds. Or at least the 10 year olds I ran with. Ridiculously unskillful over-application of make-up at sleep overs was probably the only thing that was more extreme. To be honest, I wasn't much into regularly trying either kind of makeover. But for this rare occasion, on this morning, the crimped waves did not disappoint.

     I had to share my excitement so I sashayed into my parents' room to show them. I came to my dad first.

     "Look at my hair. Andrea braided it last night," I said.

     "Huh. Pretty. Can you go show your mom?"

     The thoughtful look on my dad's face as he said this was maybe a little out of place. But for him to think I should show my mom too - that was a pretty satisfying response - so I happily made my way over to my mom around the corner.

     "See, mom? Andrea braided my hair last night!" It was such a fun surprise because they hadn't seen me since before I showered the night before and they'd come home after I was already asleep!

     "That's nice. Honey, did you see this?"

     I made my way back over to "Honey" and he began to fill me in on their strange responses to my hair.

     My dad was sitting on the edge of their bed so we were eye level as he explained, "Last night one of the women praying for us shared some words and pictures she said that she had for our daughter." My dad went on to tell me about those words and pictures and then said, "After that she asked us if we even had a daughter. We said, 'Yes, we have two' and she said, 'Well it's the one with a braid in her hair.' "

     And that, as far back as I can remember, was my first experience with accurate, prophetic words of knowledge. It wouldn't be my last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My word for this year is hope. In an effort to keep my eyes on the source of my hope, I’m planning to share one post every month on this blog page that testifies to God’s power, provision, and goodness.

In sickness and in health

I looked down at my phone to silence the incoming call from my brother for the second or third time. “Dude, it can wait,” I thought. Our conversations had recently centered around a girl he liked, and while those are among my top favorite conversations to have with guys - especially my brothers - I was also at church on a Thursday evening for a women’s group and we were in the middle of the lesson.

Then I got the text: “Mom just got admitted to the edmond hospital, heart attack”.

I hardly understood what I was reading. My body seemed to move separately from my mind as I stood, quietly made my way past other women in the row of chairs, and headed for the lobby. As I pushed the door open to walk outside, I remember looking back over my shoulder to see my pastor making his way into the sanctuary I’d just come from. I remember thinking “He’s just heard. He’s going to ask them to pray.” I was right. I later found out that all those women, gathered together as if divinely arranged, did pray right then for my mom.

I kept moving toward my car and thinking how impossible this was. My mom was thin, basically ate spinach like Popeye (among other strange and healthy foods), worked out 3-5x/week, and had absolutely no history of heart problems - not even an occasional high blood pressure. She was essentially a case study for “person least likely to have a heart attack.”

But she did have a heart attack.

We would find out later that it was a spontaneous coronary artery dissection - an extremely rare condition. In 2010, when this all took place, only about 200 cases had been documented since 1931 and while the true prevalence and prognosis remains uncertain today, I know one scientific article stated that it "generally results in death”.

But she didn’t die.

She lost consciousness twice because her heart was insufficiently pumping blood to her brain. Twice her heart had to be shocked back to a normal rhythm. But she didn't die.

I’m still able to call her for recipes, still able to share a silly thought or story with her. She’s one of the few people I can trust with every thought and pain and dream and know that she will always listen to me and love me. I don’t ever want to take that for granted. Life is so precious. And we aren’t in eternity yet, so for now time with each other is precious too.

I believe God chose to spare my mom that night. He chose to heal her and give her to us for awhile longer. I believe my God heals and saves to the uttermost. I believe His goodness does not hinge on doing whatever we want Him to do, whenever we want Him to do it. As my sister said that night, "Thanks all. We had an amazing network of friends who spread the news and prayed so much for my mom tonight. Thank you if you were a part of that group. God's goodness and mercy have been evident, as they would have been if the outcome had been different. I am grateful for the reminder of His greatness."

I cannot command God to save and heal, but I’ve witnessed Him save and heal. He is no genie. He is, however, a good, good Father. The evidence of His existence isn't dependent on performing magic tricks or Him bowing to my every whim. I do see evidence of Him in pouring out love and creating purpose out of chaos.

Few times have I felt so loved as when my family and I went through my mom’s heart attack. The immediacy of texts from people I hadn’t heard from in awhile, including those out of state, as well as the physical presence of our church loving us in word and deed - cleaning the house, feeding us, encouraging us - all reflected the love of our Father.

And sometimes He heals.

My hope is healing. My hope is that deeper and greater love will be the outcome of every trial and disappointment. Most confidently though, my hope is in a loving Father who has never failed me.

Hope with me?

Hope and Healing

I have known Sara for a decade now. She is an incredibly talented artist with a life story even more beautiful than her art. She broke my heart the time she told me that her earliest memory was looking at her birthday cake when she was turning 3 years old and thinking “We can’t eat cake until Daddy gets here”. But Daddy didn’t come. Her dad wasn’t really a “show up for my daughter’s birthday party” kind of guy at the time. He had a physically abusive relationship with Sara’s mom which lead to her mom leaving him, after a life-threatening instance of abuse, when Sara was still young.

So Sara grew up in a small, single-parent family in a small town in Oklahoma. She left that small town to pursue a college education closer to Oklahoma city, in the suburb of Edmond. I’m so glad she made that courageous move because if she hadn’t we likely would never have met.

Sara has taught me a lot about hope. She has been through experiences that are quite counter to my own experiences. The kind of experiences that you wouldn’t think would predispose someone to have hope. But Sara hopes in the midst of what seems dark and hopeless. Actually, it was in the middle of a dark season in both of our lives that she painted the picture above and titled it “Hope and Promise”.

Below is Sara’s story of experiencing healing from pain in her hands:

“I had a diagnosis of carpal tunnel in the spring of ‘07 in Weatherford, and then a diagnosis of the equivalent of carpal tunnel in my elbows (I don’t remember what the medical term was for that) that fall in Edmond. I even applied and was going to receive disability money since I was unable to hold much of a job.

I was in pain holding a hairbrush, driving, writing, turning textbook pages. My hands were getting weak, I was needing to use two hands to hold a glass of water. It was pretty discouraging.  I wondered what I could do in life and - haha - who would want to marry me, a cripple? I was unable to clean my room because I needed to conserve my hands for the most important tasks of a day, and I told God I would like to do much more than clean my room, that was just a start. So I cried to Him to help me.  I felt heat and was sweating (it's the middle of January in a 100 year old house, seriously no chance of that happening). I recalled in the Bible that Jesus told a man to pick up his bed and go home. So I thought I could act in faith similarly by throwing away everything to do with my condition, my arm braces and long awaited acceptance letter from disability support, with my roommates as witnesses.  Over the next few days I had no more carpal tunnel, and I had new muscle soreness from exercising my hands by normal use, and the strength came back, thanks to God!”

Sara is no longer a cripple. Not that I think it actually would have been a deal breaker in the first place, but Sara is also married with three kids now. 😂

My word for this year is hope. In an effort to keep my eyes on the source of my hope, I’m planning to share one post every month on this blog page that testifies to God’s power, provision, and goodness. If you have a story to share please pass it along to me and I might post it here! The only requirement is that it be a verifiably true story! :-)

Fender Benders and a Five Year Old's Prayer

My word for this year is hope. In an effort to keep my eyes on the source of my hope, I’m planning to share one post every month on this blog page that testifies to God’s power, provision, and goodness.

It was one of the biggest gifts I’d ever seen. In all my ten years I couldn’t remember ever getting a present all wrapped up in pretty paper when it wasn’t even my birthday or Christmas.  This gift was special. It had come all the way from Italy to our home in Oklahoma. I turned the box over to find the seams of the wrapping paper and carefully began peeling it back. I had been collecting porcelain dolls for the past couple of years, and naturally was hoping for another. Yet, it really didn’t matter to me what was inside; I was just so surprised by our Italian friends’ thoughtfulness. It was not the first time they’d shown me kindness; or, I should say, it was not the first time God had chosen to show His kindness towards me through them.

Five years earlier my family and I were far from our home in Oklahoma. Because my father was in the military, we found ourselves in the little town of Dardago, Italy, over 4,000 miles away from home in the U.S. Once there, my parents wanted to enroll me in an Italian school as soon as possible so that I could begin learning the language. They were not the only ones enthusiastic about this plan. I, too, was looking forward to being a part of an “asilo” - an Italian kindergarten.

One beautiful Dardago morning, my mom and I set out to visit the only asilo nearby. We wound through the narrow streets of town in our minivan and soon arrived at the school.  The towering front gate of the asilo might have appeared intimidating to a five-year-old if it had not been for the fascinating playground that could be clearly seen through the gate’s bars. I let my imagination run wild as I took in every brightly colored detail.  There were monkey bars that curved and twisted, swings that looked like they could bring you within reach of clouds, merry-go-rounds, seesaws, and in the corner of the courtyard a particularly interesting ride. It was built like the gliders on most backyard swing sets, but it had enough seats for ten kids. As each kid swayed in rhythm, the ride would glide back and forth like a giant pendulum. I fell in love with the school before ever entering its front gate. A tour, an interview, and a few monkey bar climbs later, I was back in the car with my mom, my expression quite the opposite of what it had been when I first saw the school.

“I’m so sorry honey,” my mom sympathized, “I know you’re disappointed."

My response was to slump down in the backseat of the car. My parents had already decided that I would only attend school if the school allowed me to attend half-days. My parents knew it wouldn’t be good for me to be separated from them for so long at such a young age and to be all day without anyone who spoke my own language.  This asilo, which I was more than ready to call my own, did not fit my parent’s preferences. The head maestra (teacher) of the school told us there was no possible way I could be allowed to enroll for only half-days.
“Why can’t I go?” I whined, already knowing the answer.
“Honey, they won’t let you go for half-days,” my mom answered patiently for the umpteenth time. “You know what we can do though?”
“What?” I asked dolefully.
“We can pray and see what God does.”
“Well,” I thought, “it’s worth a try.”

A few days later my mom and I were out running errands when she noticed the van was low on gas, so she stopped at a station. She was in a hurry as she hopped out of the van, forgetting to put it in park. From the front passenger seat, I watched as the car getting gas in front of us appeared to be coming closer and closer.

“Mom!” I called out at the very instant my mom realized what was happening. The next moment we hit the car in front of us. The driver of the other car, a lady in her thirties, approached us. Considering each knew little of the other’s language, she and my mom were able to communicate fairly well as they exchanged addresses and phone numbers. The next day the lady came to our house and told my mom that her husband wanted to invite her and my dad to dinner to discuss the damages to their car. Apparently they were having difficulty shutting their car’s trunk. My parents had heard stories about Italians scamming foreigners. So it was with hopes for the best, and fears for the worst, that my parents prepared for dinner with the DelMaschios.

On the night of the anticipated dinner, my parents found the home of the DelMaschios warm and bright. My parents were treated to delicious Italian food and authentic Italian hospitality. Several times during dinner, my parents would bring up the car accident and each time they were shushed or laughed off by the DelMaschios. Mr. DelMaschio was a large man with white hair and a mustache that drooped down just past the corners of his often-used smile. Mrs. DelMaschio too had a pleasant face and ready smile. Together, the couple put my parents at ease, and the four found themselves really enjoying each other’s company. Towards the end of the meal, the conversation turned towards school in Italy.  My parents shared how they had already found a grade school for my older sister, but were disappointed that the asilo in Dardago would not accept me for half-days. Upon hearing this, Mr. DelMaschio began to laugh. Mrs. DelMaschio joined him. My parents sat in confusion.

“Il presidente!” Mr. DelMaschio explained. “I am the president of asilo. Of course your daughter can come for just half-days.”

Yes. After I prayed to go to school, my mom just happened to roll into the car of the principal of the school I wanted to go to.

Being a long way from home in a foreign country did not seem like a gift from God.  A refusal from an asilo did not seem like a gift from God. Rolling into someone else’s car did not seem like a gift from God. But unlike the gift I got from the DelMaschios years later, I’ve learned that God’s gifts do not always come in pretty wrapping paper and they are not always big and obvious. God gave my parents peace in accepting a dinner invitation with strangers. God provided kind, Italian friends for my family during our stay in Italy.  God gave a little girl the gift of answered prayer, and allowed me to attend the school I wanted. And as I lifted the box flaps of the gift I’d just received from the DelMaschios, I smiled at the little extra kindness God showed me yet again. Peeking out was a beautiful little peasant doll of porcelain. It would be a most treasured addition to my collection of dolls, a reminder that God looked out for not only my needs, but also the little desires of my heart.

(The above is a modified essay I submitted in high school called God’s Gifts. It reflects my present recollections of events that took place in my life. I’ve attempted to relay those events truthfully, and the important components of the events can be verified by the other individuals named in the account.)

I Can Walk

          I can walk. I have use of both of my legs, pain-free most of the time. Today, as I let these two legs of mine carry me to the mailbox a couple streets over from my place, the realization that I was walking without any pain came to me like a new sensation again. Not everyone has use of their legs. And even when they do it's not always without pain.

          If you've been in my life or reading these posts you know that I injured my knee over a year ago while running. Feel free to go over other posts for more details. The summary I'll give here: multiple doctors, multiple diagnoses (even two different diagnoses from the same doctor), and three rounds of physical therapy between two different places over the course of eleven months - and now I'm walking without pain, redness, or swelling about 98% of the time.

          I went out with friends last night and we danced some. That's another reason my walk being pain-free today was remarkable. I even started running again in October. I'm so grateful that these things can come back into my life again - dancing and running - two of my most favorite things in the world.

          It's strange. I mourned the loss of those two things that I loved. Now that they're back I'm really grateful, but I also kind of don't care. I know that I'm able to be happy without them.

          This last year - and really my whole time here in Philly - has sort of resembled the opening lines of A Tale of Two Cities. It's been an adventure of contradictory experiences and feelings: devastating, hopeful, going perfectly as planned and also full of unexpected surprises. I've been incredibly afraid and alone. I've been wonderfully cared for and surrounded by community. I've been surprised by pain. I've been overwhelmed by joy. I've been disappointed by so much conflict, hatred, blindness and pride in our world. I've been comforted to see so much love put on full display in the sacrifices of those around me. I see racism - subtle and blatant. I see a Church - a multicultural, multiracial, multigenerational Church - that loves each other well in word and in deed, and the effort to get up and try again where they've failed. I have the best job and see and hear some of the worst things. I have so much that I want in life and there's so much that I want in life that I don't have. In short, life is pretty much the same here as it was in Oklahoma.

          I can walk.

          I could do that in Oklahoma too. But I'm happier about that phenomenon here than I was in Oklahoma. It should probably be a good reminder to myself that the best changes - the changes that are truly good and make me truly happy - are the changes that happen in me rather than in my circumstances.

Choosing Love Over Marriage

Things to remind my commitment-phobic self:

     Families are amazing. That a group of such drastically different personalities and strengths and weaknesses can love and accept and enjoy each other for who they are is remarkable - so individual with different goals and desires yet so locked in and committed to the whole.

Of course my appreciation is built around my own experience. Seven different and super imperfect people, plus two more blended in by marriage and 4 adorable spawns of one of those marriages, all loving and enjoying each other and supporting each other's dreams and not giving up on each other or wanting anything less than what is best for each individual or marriage or smaller family within the family.

It's kinda weird.

     And I realized another weird thing. This started because a couple people made a decision - not a decision to be arbitrarily stuck in some legalistic marriage contract - but a decision to stay in love. It's been flowers and gifts and dates and adventures and long kisses at the end of the work day and lots of communicating, intimacy, personal growth and change, and asking and granting forgiveness.

     Again, talking to myself, that any two people would sacrifice their own freedom and desires in order to be tied down to another human being for the rest of their life is a special brand of crazy.

      I may be a Christian but I'm also a hedonist. I really excel at doing whatever I want whenever I want. The thought of giving that up to someone else who will grow old and who will at times be unattractive to me and who will probably bore me at some point eventually is just a little baffling.

     I'm not saying I don't want marriage. Like I've already said, look at the amazing gift of family that comes of it. Look at its enormous flexibility to weather any storm or change life brings. Look at its acceptance and growth and complex dynamics all covered in love. Whether it's between the two or there are children as well, the unconditional constancy and vitality I've witnessed in these relationships is astounding.

But what I am recognizing is that both marriage and family are really bizarre little miracles.

     And I guess I'm saying I'm only willing to go for it if we're on the same page to make that decision to stay in love forever - with the flowers and the gifts and the dates and the adventures and the big, long kisses at the end of the work day and lots of communicating, intimacy, personal growth and change, and asking and granting forgiveness. And that we both do what we can to create that dynamic, flexible, weird group of diverse individuals that weathers any difficulty and knows each other inside and out and loves each other all the more for all of it.

     If it's not that then I'm really happy enough with what I already have and I don't really want to give it up for something less.

There Is No Fear In Love

     So sometimes I put my heart and soul into crafting a post on here. And sometimes I just want to share some basic information with out of town loved ones. That's what this post is today.

     I had a sense I'd be holding out for awhile for the right job. But if someone had told me back when I made the decision to pull out of school that it would be 2 months of no school and no work I would have probably cried anticipating the boredom.

     But life has been anything but boring.

     I injured my knee running at the end of September. I thought it was just an overuse injury that needed rest but after a few weeks of limping and pain medication and eventually crutches I figured it wasn't getting any better. As painful as it is for me to spend money on something ridiculous like a knee injury I caved and bought insurance and saw a doctor.

     In the middle of this I was offered a job at CHOP. It was a desk job addressing concerns of patients/patient families by phone, processing referrals, working with insurance companies, etc. and it was with a really great team of individuals. My heart was towards another job I'd interviewed for but I knew that if the knee was bad enough for surgery a desk job would be wise.  However I didn't know for sure that I would need surgery. If there's one thing I've learned lately in my walk with God it is to not make any decisions based on fear. So I asked for a week to think about it (a totally unrealistic amount of time to expect CHOP to hold on to a job for me) and I touched base with the dream job. After a few days it was settled. I accepted the dream job at Nurse-Family Partnership*.

     My appointment with the doctor came. He suspected a cartilage injury or meniscus tear and ordered an MRI. Either diagnosis often means surgery. I cringed at the possibility of 12wks of recovery time that might keep me from working.

     Some honestly expressed sadness and nighttime tears definitely followed this. But no fear. Or at least not for long. Because regardless of the outcome God has always loved me. Always. And there is no fear in love. I wish I could describe the overwhelming sense of His love and presence with me through all of this.

     I knew these things:
     1. I'm away from every person in my life that is most dear to me.
     2. Not only do I not have a job and income, I might be out of work for awhile because of this injury. So I'm poor and in debt now with potential to get poorer and more in debt.
     3. I might not have any money by the end of this 12wks and will need to consider moving back to Oklahoma and living off of relatives.
     4. God will take care of me. He may not give me what I want, when I want it, and the way I want it -- but He will give me what I need.

     Being the last minute planner and ever self-relier that I can be sometimes, on the Wednesday morning of my MRI I realized it would be pretty difficult to hobble the distance I would need to in order to get from parking in overcrowded downtown to the location of the clinic. I emailed my life group from church and within minutes the co-leader had responded he was nearby that morning and would give me a ride. Even in morning traffic and with these last minute arrangements I was actually a little early to my 9am MRI. Another friend from church, who happens to live a few streets over from me, gave me a ride home from the MRI.

     The appointment to review results was that Friday. Two other friends from church gave me a ride to that appointment and stayed with me for the appointment for support. We were prepared to hear which diagnosis would be mine and how to prepare for the next step of surgery.

     A new diagnosis came out of this visit though.  The MRI indicated patellofemoral pain syndrome and the doctor prescribed 12 weeks of therapy. Therapy! No surgery! About twenty questions I had prepared suddenly became irrelevant and I couldn't stop smiling :)

     Since then I've had my first therapy visit and they explained that cartilage damage hasn't necessarily been ruled out by the MRI. However, therapy is still the best plan right now. As with my previous experience with physical therapy for issues with running, I can tell I'm going to enjoy the people working with me. So Thank You Jesus for injuries that let me spend an hour talking to new friends 3 days a week! 

     I would love prayers that my knee makes a full recovery. Honestly, I don't mind never running again. I like it a lot but it's not worth losing my ability to walk over. I would love to be able to dance again soon. But mostly I am so grateful that I'll still be able to work. What a gift it is to be able to have a job doing something I'm pretty sure I'll enjoy and to get paid for it!

     I think it's interesting that in the 3 week window of time that I was back in Oklahoma for a visit in August, one of the men at my home church of Bridgeway asked me to join him in praying over a woman's knees. She'd been having pain with walking for years. We prayed over them and tears came to her eyes as she tested them out and discovered the pain was gone. That's one of many stories I've witnessed of healing, but I don't think I've ever been part of seeing knees healed specifically. A month later this knee thing happens to me and I know God will heal me. He will heal me quickly, or through 12 wks of therapy, or by exchange of this body for my new one :)
   
     So that's the latest. Well that and our nation is headed for an apocalypse depending on who you listen to. No big deal.

Grace and peace to you all!

*Home visiting service to provide nursing care to pregnant women and to continue to follow their care and the care of their child to age 2. More information can be found here: https://www.nurseledcare.org/programs/philly-nfp.html